Product Review: Patch Attatch

I. Hate. Patches.

I hate them. I'm talking embroidered souvenir patches, Scout patches, military uniform patches - really any patch at all. I think they are tacky and ugly and too fragile to be at all practical. I hate that they all have different backings and you can never really tell what the patch in your hand is going to take to get it to stick to whatever you need to stick it to. Does it just need judicious application of heat? Iron-on adhesive? Stitching? Super glue? You can never tell until you try. And don't even ask how many times I've spent twenty minutes trying to iron on a patch, only to discover that it had a plastic backing that you're supposed to peel off first. Ugh.

With two kids in Scouts, patches are forever being awarded, purchased or earned and they ALL need to be attached to a uniform of some sort or other. I usually keep them in a jar on the counter with all the other bits and bobs my kids earn, and when the jar finally gets too full I suck it up and start putting on patches and stringing beads.

Today was one such day. It was finally time to address the patch issue; I'd put it off long enough. E had earned two petals for her Daisy uniform and one had fallen off, plus the eight other patches that were filling up the jar, so it was necessary. For some reason, half of the Girl Scout patches are backed with iron-on adhesive and half aren't, and I am vehemently opposed to stitching patches on by hand. I refuse to do it. So I stopped by my local fabric store to pick up some double-sided iron-on adhesive, and was told that I didn't really want that. What I wanted, the grandma who's name tag read "Hi, I'm Delores" said, was this stuff called Patch Attach.

I am a sucker for old people. Really. I just see them and I melt. Maybe it's because I didn't live around my grandparents when I was a kid. Anyway, I will believe almost anything an old person tells me. And if grandma Delores says I need Patch Attach, gosh darn it I am going to buy a bottle RIGHT NOW. So I did.



And I don't know what Delores was smoking, but this stuff SUCKS. I think I may have ruined E's uniform. You're supposed to apply the glue to the embroidered edges of the back of the patch, let it sit for 10 minutes and then iron it on. I followed the directions to a T. And this is what happened:

Not only did the patches NOT stick, the glue dried up and left this greasy, powdery white residue on the smock. Actually, that's not entirely accurate - a few of the patches, for reasons known only to God and Delores, did stick. But most of them did not, at all. I tried reapplying and ironing them on without letting it sit for the 10 minutes. No dice. 

I even did this and walked away. I thought that might fuse them on, but it didn't work either. 

I also used it on the petals, which do have iron-on backings but are a pain to get on the uniform (they always fall off five minutes after you iron them on) and it worked - I've wiggled and folded and scrunched up that part of the uniform and they haven't budged. So there's that.





There's always the possibility that I am using this product incorrectly. I mean, user error is definitely something that happens in this household, and frequently. But I'm telling you, I read the directions. I followed them exactly. I referred to them repeatedly when things started going wrong. I don't think that this was failure on my part.

Now I have to figure out how to get these patches adhered to this smock AND deal with the weird greasy white spots left by the Patch Attach. No bueno. I wish I'd just ignored that grandma and her advice, but alas, I was lured in by her ancientness and wrinkles. And her bluish gray hair. Next time, I'm just going to wear blinders to the fabric store so that I can get in and out without being sidetracked by octogenarians with "Hello my name is..." on their vests.